in limbo

I'm in a dilemma.
Do I really want to join the Paed team? I don't know. A lot of things have been circling in my mind lately.
one thing I'm sure of, I'm more of a medically-orientated person rather than surgical. For instance, when I attended to a case with multiple morbidities, I tend to highlight more on the patient's medical maladies rather than his/her clear cut  and simple surgical problem.
I loved paediatric. or so I thought when I was there. but now, after being blessed with my own child, I have new issue to deal with. Maternal instinct. I don't know if I can bear poking babies 10 to 20 times for lines, wether I can bear watching them succumb to their illnesses, hearing them cries with no mothers by their side to calm them, to not feed them orally for days or weeks or even months.. they are so fragile and weak.. yet they have to endure all the sufferings that they themselves are too young to understand.

these are not acts of cruelty. in fact, what we are doing -  i dare say- is very nobel. The only problem is, I have to see them suffer in order to see them get better ( if the ever do). I'm feeling so miserable just because of this uncertainty. God help me.

Another dilemma is.. my husband feels it is time for me to apply for transfer, so that we can live together. I am looking forward to it.The buts are :

1. who is going to look after Harris. yes we have maid. but at present time, we enjoy the privillege of having my grandparents' supervision - who actually take care of our son more than the maid does. I'm yet to trust her handling Harris alone. probably a cctv would solve this problem.:D
2. Paed department of that particular hospital has always been 'credited' as the most horrible department to be at. it s gonna be like walking myself into a lions' den in a zoo full of reptiles.
3. I am not ruling out Health Clinic. It would be a bonus to me and my family in term of quality time. and I can study for MRCPch. however, there would  be no more oncall claim  then,of which at the moment contributing quite a significant amount to my monthly income.

God help me.

it's been almost 8 years since I began to share love and feelings with my then boyfriend-turn- husband. quite a journey really. it's been both a  rollercoaster ride and a really slow it's-a-small-world ride for us. despite the seemingly endless rants and bickerings over the tiniest of things, we always end up having each other's back at the end of the day. we sulk during the day , by night time we cuddled and make fun of each other's childish act. it sort of gets less and less romantic over time as we have truly known each other in and out of every titbit. but it does bring our relationship to a greater level of trust and love. He completes me and I hope, I him.  Thank you Allah for  blessing me with such a loving and loyal husband with whom I share a very lovely son ( and more to come!)  . I love my two boys.